Well, what the f*ck do I do now?

I haven't blogged in some time...bad me. However, I've been finishing up my degree program, working on my research proposal (ahhhhhhhhhh), which I ROCKED! Yay me! Needless to say the ordeal has left me burnt out, and lacking energy to resume writing. Not to mention chasing a crazy tot around, does burn quite a bit of fuel. In the mean time, while taking a break from blogging, I've been focusing on reconnecting with my boys, after my proposal hibernation, and trying desperately to figure out what to do with myself, a task that is not so easy. How is having the ability to be able to make the choice to work, or not work difficult? Having the choice itself means that my life is that much easier...right? Not exactly.

I am sort of in limbo. My decisions, although not currently based on necessity, are based on being a military spouse, and a mom that is proactive in the education of her children...meaning, as a dependent of a military personnel, where moving is/could still be a part of the job description, and a mom that will soon commit to homeschooling our 5-year-old son (either by myself, or tutor), I am limited. As a "dependent" of my spouse, I am dependent on his schedule in regard to my own employment (not that I'd have much luck here). And, as the sole care provider of our children, sans help, it makes things that much trickier. I know... sure I could place my youngest in daycare, and leave my eldest in school, but I come from a long line of "do it yourself" kind of women, matriarchs that have reared children, while simultaneously "doing it all".  And if it's not yourself, the next best thing is family.

Here is how it works in my family...young woman goes out into the world, finds a career, starts a family, retires to care for grandchildren of her said children. You see, I am doing a disservice to my mom by being so far away. I feel sorry for her actually. Retirement will be a bore without my brats loving children, annoying the sh*t out of her entertaining her tremendously. Okay, I'll get serious... I'm missing an important link, in MY ideals in respect to the childcare department. No mom to care for children for me means,  I have to figure out a way around it, sans daycare. No really. It's a tradition that is engrained in us. I have gotten lectured about "being careful who I leave my children with", or "Don't just leave them with anyone" through our time in the military, although I hear " Don't you dare giveaway MY right to this experience". I'm pretty sure that if I did find a place for the little one, my mom would come clear across the country just to kick my arse. Needless to say, it has left me pining for home, and wondering...what now?

I have plenty of options. I could just stay home for a bit longer until I kidnap my parents like a thief in the night, to do my bidding. *insert evil laugh* I could also go back to school, because I've come to acknowledge the fact that I am an overachiever (may be I have a complex o_0), and as much as I say "I am done with school", there is always something else that I want to do, or learn. Going to school...AGAIN, for another degree seems like a great idea, until I think about the fact that I must be very careful in this choice, because of my status as a military spouse. Online school is not really an option again, I'd like to go back to my brick and motor roots. Focusing on writing, I could do, but it is still a dream, and a hobby. It has not become a reality... or better yet, I have not accepted it as so. Let's get real, rejection can be a bit of a damper on my loveable sarcastic mood. So here I am. A graduate yet again, wondering "Well, what the f*ck do I do now?"